You’re
dating
and your
religious
beliefs
are
different.
How much
difference
does
this
make?
The
answer
is:
Another
person’s
religious
beliefs
are
important
to you
to the
degree
they’re
important
to you.
This may
sound
like
begging
the
question,
but it’s
an
important
thing to
‘get’.
Assuming
you’re
looking
for
marriage,
you need
to make
a “must
have”
and
“can’t
stand”
list. If
certain
religious
beliefs
go into
either
group,
pay
attention
to them,
because
you
won’t be
happy if
they
aren’t
there
(or are
and
shouldn’t
be) and
the
relationship
won’t
work in
the long
run.
Begging
the
question
is what
Zen is
all
about.
The koan
can mean
you’re
asking a
question
no one
knows
the
answer
to, or
that you
don’t
need an
answer
to, or
you know
the
answer
as well
as
anyone,
you just
don’t
know it
by
reason
(which
is
limited).
In the
case of
religious
beliefs,
the
emotionally
intelligent
thing to
do is to
figure
out what
you want
(work
with a
coach
for
clarity;
it’s
worth
it) and
then
experience
the
person.
Word
your
religious
“must
haves”
and
“can’t
stands”
precisely.
Do you
mean
adherence
to a
certain
set of
principals
as
espoused
by a
certain
faith,
such as
being
Methodist,
or
Buddhist?
Do you
need
someone
to agree
with
every
word you
say
about
it?
Or do
you
believe
in
certain
spiritual
principals
which
could be
compatible
with
various
faiths?
Does it
matter
to you
more how
the
person
argues
their
faith
verbally,
or how
they
live it
in their
daily
actions
and
behaviors?
Some
people
live in
a way
that’s
very
compatible
with
certain
faiths,
though
they may
not
officially
belong
to any
religious
organization.
Some
religions
require
only
faith;
others
require
certain
actions.
Apply
your
emotional
intelligence
competencies
as you
date.
1. ZEN:
“A tree
that is
unbending
is
easily
broken.”
Lao Tzu
EQ
COMPETENCY:
FLEXIBILITY
Use all
your
brains.
You must
feel how
you feel
around
this
person
(see
point
number
2) and
also
think
about
what it
is
you’re
after at
the
deepest
and
broadest
level so
that you
can have
the
flexibility
to deal
with
another
imperfect,
not
entirely
predictable
human
being.
2. ZEN:
“Only
the
supremely
wise and
the
abysmally
ignorant
do not
change.”
Confucius
EQ
COMPETENCY:
Understanding
of
people.
You have
to allow
for the
fact
that the
individual
may
change.
Few
people
make
extreme
changes
in their
core
being
and
basic
operating
principals,
but many
of us
make
changes
and
adjustments
in
behaviors
and
thoughts.
Get to
know the
person
well
enough
so you
have a
sense of
their
core.
For
example:
If the
person
you’re
dating
has
murdered
someone,
I
wouldn’t
stick
around.
If they
were
once an
addict,
have
been in
recovery
for 20
years,
and made
sufficient
personality
changes,
give it
a
guarded
go. If
they
once
kicked a
dog and
still
talk
about it
with
remorse,
full
speed
ahead.
(For
more on
this
“how
much
baggage
to
accept
on the
midlife
dating
flight”
read
“Midlife
Dating
Manual
for
Women” (
http://tinyurl.com/6ny55
).
3. ZEN:
“If you
are too
excited
by joy,
later
you will
have to
cry.”
Tibetan
saying. EQ
COMPETENCY:
Reality-testing.
Roughly
translated
this
means
that
it’s
best to
go slow
and find
a person
with a
modulated
response
to you.
Don’t
get so
excited
you
aren’t
paying
attention.
Even
soul-mates
may
disagree
on how
to load
the
dishwasher.
How can
you
expect
exact
alignment
in
the
articulation
of a
religious
belief?
Therefore,
number
4.
4. ZEN:
“We
think in
generalities
but we
live in
detail.”
Alfred
North
Whitehead EQ
COMPETENCY:
Impulse
control
Take the
time to
get to
know the
person
in
little
and
daily
ways.
Someone
can talk
one way
and act
another.
They can
say
they
don’t
believe
in
abusing
animals
(or
anything
else)
and
still do
it. Only
time
will
tell.
5. ZEN:
“Think
with the
whole
body.”
Taisen
Deshimaru
EQ
COMPETENCY:
Intuition
Oddly
enough,
thinking
with the
whole
body is
what
intuition
is
about.
The
quickest
and
surest
way to
know
whether
it’s a
fit is
to use
your
intuition
(gut
feeling, instincts).
How do
you know
your gut
feeling?
From
your
gut!
Your
body
sends
you
physiological
messages.
Can you
completely
relax
with
this
person?
If so,
there is
deep
trust,
the
foundation
of
lasting
relationships.
Has your
health
deteriorated
since
dating
them? If
so, and
there’s
no
obvious
physical
cause,
move on.
Tricky
because
dating
raises
stress
levels,
which
affect
our
immune
system,
which IS
our
health.
Give it
time.
There’s
EUstress
and
there’s
DIStress.
Know the
difference.
Work
with a
certified
EQ
coach.
6. ZEN:
“We do
not want
churches
because
they
will
teach us
to
quarrel
about
God.”
Chief
Joseph
EQ
COMPETENCY:
Constructive
discontent.
When
there
are
disagreements,
figure
out what
you’re
really
arguing
about.
If it’s
just
semantics,
it’s
just
semantics.
It was
in
vogue,
for
instance,
in the Renaissance
to
debate
how
many
angels
would
fit on
the head
of a
pin.
This is
hardly
likely
to play
itself
out in
how the
person
lives
their
life.
It’s an
intellectual
exercise.
7. ZEN:
“A mind
all
logic is
like a
knife
all
blade.
It makes
the hand
bleed
that
uses
it.”
Rabindranath
Tagore
EQ
COMPETENCY:
Integrated
self.
The
interface
between
intellect
and
emotions.
Someone
who
engages
in
intellectual
repartee
about
matters
of
the
heart
hasn’t
got it
together,
and you
don’t
need to
get-together
with
them.
Wouldn’t
you
rather
be loved
than
understood,
if it
came to
that
(and it
will)?
8. ZEN:
“Beware,
as they
say, of
mistaking
the
finger
for the
moon
when
you’re
pointing
at it.”
John
Cage EQ
COMPETENCY:
Intentionality.
Date the
person
long
enough
to
determine
that
when
they
talk
about
their
religious
beliefs,
they
have
intention
to
follow
them. In
other
words,
they’re
not just
repeating
something
they
memorized,
or just
saying
what
they
think
you want
to hear.
Someone
deeply
in that
delicious
falling-in-love
stage
will do
this.
Haven’t
you?
That’s
why we
take our
time.
9.
ZEN:
“The
first
sign of
your
becoming
religious
is that
you are
becoming
cheerful.”
Swami
Vivekananda
EQ
COMPETENCY:
Positive
attitude,
optimism.
IF you
believe
this is
the test
of
“being
religious,”
then
Swami
Vivekananda
is the
man for
you. If
you
prefer a
person
with a
positive
attitude,
as I do,
and it
comes
with
religious
belief,
better
yet.
(Studies
show
marriages
are
happiest
when the
number
of
positive
comments
about
self,
other
and
relationship
is 3x
the
number
of
negative
comments.)
10. ZEN:
“When a
dog runs
at
you,
whistle
for
him.”
Henry
David
Thoreau
EQ
COMPETENCY:
Common
sense!
When it
feels
right
and
good, go
for it!
Ultimately
it’s
difficult
to live
with
someone
who
doesn’t
have
your
same
values
and
priorities.
SHAWNA
discovered
this
when
dating a
man
outside
her
faith.
He loved
her and
was
willing
to
convert,
attending
classes
and
services
with
her. She
was
troubled
that
even so,
he
didn’t
“believe”
what she
did.
Growing
up with
a
certain
faith
engrains
it at a
level
that can
rarely
be
approached
when
it’s
learned
later in
life.
There’s
a huge
time
factor
in
there.
This may
or may
not be
unsurmountable.
In
SHAWNA’s
case it
was. She
couldn’t
feel he
had, or
ever
would
have,
the same
beliefs
as she
did.
TOMAS,
on the
other
hand,
fell in
love
with
someone
outside
his
faith,
from
another
culture,
and more
than 10
years
younger.“Still,”
he said,
“we’re
two peas
in a
pod. I
could
care
less if
she goes
to a
synagogue
and I
don’t.”
SAMIA
married
someone
she met
at her
mosque,
but
problems
began
to
spring
up
immediately.
“I
assumed
too
much,
she
said. “I
thought
we felt
the same
way
about
things,
but it
didn’t
live
out the
way I
thought
it
would. I
wish I’d
given it
more
time.
It’s
hard to
think
when
you’re
that
much in
love.”
SAMIA
found
it was a
difference
that
wouldn’t
work and
they
separated.
In
their
case,
their
religious
beliefs,
in
words,
were a
match,
but
they
weren’t
lived
out in
ways
that
were
compatible.
P.S. If
you come
from
different
faith
backgrounds
and plan
to
have
children,
work
this one
out
ahead of
time. It
can be a
bigee
when the
time
comes.
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