“I LOVE YOU” IN CONTEXT

It matters what precedes and follows the phrase, and how long the time-gap was.

If the word “but” is anywhere around it, there will be tears.

When followed several weeks later by “I care about you very much,” “I love you” meant “I was hot for you but this has gotten too heavy and now I’m outta here.”

When preceded immediately by “I have to tell you something. I’m married but I love you,” it means “I’m hot for you, this will never get heavy, but I hope you won’t kick me outta here.”

You see how complicated it gets!

There’s no general meaning or even non-meaning for the term with men. Man are from their OWN planet. It isn’t even as easy as to say they’re all from the same OTHER planet.

THE MALE HONOR CODE PART III

It does remain true that if you don’t want the answer, don’t ask the question. This takes us back to the Male Honor Code. Remember that direct questions get direct, rational answers; that is, untempered by sensitivity. Being generally lower in empathy, if you ask your man, “Does this make my butt look fat?” (which you wouldn’t ask if you didn’t think it did), and he answers, “Yes. Very,” don’t say I didn’t warn you.

A last part of the Male Honor Code is about “don’t kiss and tell.” This comes up in intimate conversations. You are discussing a relationship or sexual issue, and sharing a past experience in order to increase understanding, to improve things, to make a point, and because you value your relationship to him the most. Then it’s his turn to share, and here’s what you get: “I don’t kiss and tell.”

I don’t think it has to do with empathy. It’s more like if there’s one thing that’s gotten through to them, it would be that to talk about sex with another woman would get them castrated. It could also be that while you were talking about
making out on a beach with a pina colada in your hand, he was flashing on something about a Mile High Club, himself, 3 stewardesses, a seeing-eye dog, Murat the Turk, some duct tape, and a hookah.

WHEN WORDS ARE LACKING

While men will talk about their former spouses, the ones who had divorce filed on them usually claim to have no clue as to why. It always just happened out of the blue. “I walked in one day and she’d taken all her things. I had no idea she was unhappy. If your guy is doing this, understand that his interpersonal relationship skills aren’t the highest (again, no reason per se to disqualify him) and that you’re going to have to deal with problems very directly. I can’t imagine a woman divorcing a man who hadn’t spent sometimes years belaboring the same points, which, because he doesn’t know why he was “left,” means he never heard them, which is why she left. Words had more or less become meaningless. Perhaps you, with more age, wisdom and experience, can have better luck!

I don’t speak or understand “Martian” any better than you do; I’ve just learned alternate means of communication over the years which work better. How about you?

Communicating with a man in a daily relationship has been likened to training a dog. Reasoning doesn’t work. Explaining doesn’t work. Begging doesn’t work. Clear commands and quick, consistent consequences do. And, as with your dog, you must figure out how to get his attention first. It may mean removing the remote control, or even swatting a rolled newspaper on the coffee table. Do what you have to do! After all, the way they learned not to “kiss and tell” was because they did once!